The Persied: A love betwixt morons
by TheSilverboar
Summary: After the Giant War Zeus finally reached his limit of Percy's snark and banishes Percy to a new world to get him out of his hair. So Percy now finds himself in Astera alongside the Fifth fleet. Percy/Female Sapphire Star pairing. Expect a story with both violence and really dumb humor, like Deadpool.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Just a few establishing facts to get out of the way. 1. This uses movie ages, so Titan war ended with Percy at twenty and Giant war ended with him around twenty-two. 2. Percy and Annabeth never started dating in this story so that isn't an issue. 3. Percy, and his girlfriend (who will be named Lilia, one of the ONLY actual NAMES I could find in this entire bloody franchise) are both dumbass Gryffindors. Think the Deadpool and you'll be good. **

**AN2: You can go to the Facebook page for my stories to find images for Percy and Lilia.**

The Persied: A Love Betwixt Morons

Chapter 1

-Percy-

Face set in stone, Percy stood with his arms crossed as he and the rest of the seven, along with Nico and Reyna, stood before the council of Olympus, listening to Zeus drone on and on. The walking STD hadn't even let them have a chance to get their wounds from fighting Gaea treated. "Finally," Percy forced himself to focus as Zeus finally began winding up "this latest war is only further proof of what I've been saying. We have been too involved in the lives of the demigods. After this council session is over, all gods will be required to swear upon the Styx itself to never have contact or interference with their mortal children apart from the claiming."

"Oh for fucks sake!" Percy snapped, finally reaching his limit with Zeus' stupidity.

"Silence!" Zeus slammed the master bolt down dramatically.

"NEVER!" Percy retorted just as dramatically.

"You dare talk back to me demigod?" Zeus snarled, sparking angrily.

"Yes I do." Percy nodded happily, "I double dare actually, if you care to be specific." He held out a hand behind him as Leo gave him a sneaky low five while trying not to laugh "This is just you being a stubborn idiot and you know it. These wars happen _because_ you decide that you can't be bothered to be a fucking dad! Although given your marriage you can't be a fucking husband either. Or a fucking king given how Olympus is run. Or a fucking fighter given that you keep getting your ass kicked. Hell, if what I've heard about the staying power for you and Heracles then I doubt you're a good fucking fucker either!" More than one god let out a wince at that comment while Hades and Poseidon clenched their mouths shut tight to keep from laughing.

"Enough! You impudent little whelp!" Zeus rose up to his full godly height.

"I'm not little!" Percy protested indignantly, "Unlike you I have nothing to be ashamed about down there. Like father like son is a saying for a reason and your son's wife gets hers from a Brazilian pool boy." At hearing the stifled snickers, he saw Zeus' eyes bulge out as the thunder god snapped. Zeus began glowing as a book began to materialize in the air in front of him, the cover emblazoned with the crest of Hecate as Percy remembered Hazel mentioning that several spell tomes belonging to her patron had gone missing recently. As Zeus began chanting, Percy felt himself rooted to the spot, glowing chains forming around him and everyone else in the room, keeping them from moving to stop Zeus' spell.

The air in front of Percy began to spark ominously before it started tearing, a black rift forming as the winds in the council chamber howled. While the chains around everyone else in the room remained as they were, the chains restraining Percy's ankles and wrists begin to move, the ends entering the portal and slowly pulling him towards the screaming black rift despite his best attempts to resist.

"NO!" his father screamed, thrashing harder and harder against the chains while the ground bellow their feet rumbled, the majority of the other gods as well as his friends doing the same while Zeus just continued his chant.

When his foot first entered the portal, Percy began to scream. The portal was a pain like nothing he'd felt before. His clothes started to tear as they were forced through and even though no new injuries were appearing on his skin it felt like there should have been. Inch by inch he was pulled through the rift until at last his head was brought through and his vision was surrounded by rushing shadows and shapes as he fell, the decent worse than going into Tartarus. He continued to plummet through the void for what felt like an eternity until suddenly, that void was gone, and he was slamming face first onto the sands of a beach "…Ooooooooow." He groaned at the new pain in his face before he finally blacked out.

-Poseidon-

"I…I did it!" Zeus cheered excitedly as the son stealing portal closed, "I finally did it! The stupid brat is gone! I-" Zeus was cut off by a fist flying and striking him in the face. With the closing of the portal the spell had finished, making the chains holding Poseidon back vanish as well.

"You took my son." The lord of the seas snarled, eyes glowing with unholy green light as the earth rumbled with his fury.

"He deserved to be pun-" Zeus tried to start another imbecilic rant before being cut off when Poseidon kicked the still rising thunder got in the teeth, knocking out a few with the force of it.

"Wrong answer." Poseidon snarled before grabbing his brothers head and slamming it hard into the golden throne that Zeus was so proud of. He slammed Zeus' face again and again as the golden throne began to drip with the equally golden ichor of its owner, ivory teeth falling or flying out one by one even as Zeus did his best to blubber for mercy or demand release whenever his face wasn't being ground into his own ass sweat. Nobody else in the room bothered to come to Zeus' aide.

"Stahp!" Zeus blubbered through a mouth full of ichor and several missing teeth, "I'hm your Khing!"

"No, you're just a bitch." Poseidon spat before bitch slapping his brother hard. Zeus scrambled to grab the master bolt, so Poseidon just lashed out and kicked Zeus in his cursed testicles. Holding out his hand, Poseidon summoned his son's sword, Anaklusmos having not been affected by the portal, and stabbed it down hard between Zeus' legs as his now toothless brother screamed and writhed. Collecting the scattered teeth, the master bolt, and Zeus' crown, Poseidon walked over to the brazier, "He has slept long enough. Moros, I offer these to you, awaken!" with that, he dumped the teeth, symbol of power, and crown of Olympus into the hearth of the gods and sacrificed them to Moros, god of impending doom and most powerful being in reality.

"Someone call me?" a tired voice asked as the doors to the throne room opened, revealing Moros, slumped over while holding a cup of coffee and dressed in a onesie, bunny slippers, and bathrobe.

"Where…is…my…son?" Poseidon demanded as Moros paused to take in the tone of the room…and the still screaming and castrated Zeus.

"Ooooooooh, this is _that_ timeline." Moros slammed back his coffee before his pajamas turned into a suit "Well, the spell Zeus used didn't kill Percy, that kid's stubborn enough I wouldn't be surprised if he just walked out of the underworld after dying and show up here to annoy Zeus." The fact that nobody disagreed was more than a little telling "So Zeus used a spell that banished Percy to another world in the hopes that either the trip would kill him, or he'd be someone else's problem now."

"So get him back!" Nico snapped, giving a hard look to the powerful god…actually all the demigods in the room were while most of Poseidon's fellow Olympians were either trembling or groveling.

"Not that simple. The world he got sent to has its own powerful creatures, one of whom can hop between dimensions and I've had to stop members of that species from invading here before." Moros shook his head, "It would take time to get there without opening up this world to things it isn't ready for. In the meantime though, we can have the Percy Jackson show!" Moros clapped his hands as one of the walls turned into a giant movie theatre screen projecting a forest with a beach. They could all see Percy laying passed out in the sands and two girls walking down a path that would let them find him, talking in a language Poseidon had never heard before.

"What are they saying?" Athena frowned; her ego clearly pricked at there being flaunted knowledge she doesn't have.

"Oh, right, new world different languages. I can fix this!" Moros clapped his hands like an excited kid before holding them out to the screen as his body began to glow with a brilliant light "I call forth the powers of creation! I invoke the most wondrous of aides! Come forth…SUBTITLES!" nothing happened for a moment, then Moros pulled out a TV remote and pushed a button as Greek writing appeared on the bottom of the screen. "There, I fixed it. Now who wants popcorn?"

**AN: Yeah, the original plan for this was a lot darker...involving Poseidon tearing Zeus apart limb from limb, then sacrificing Zeus' head as the sacrifice to Moros while covered from head to toe in ichor…decided that was a **_**liiiiiiiitle**_** dark so we got this instead. Yaaaaaay. **


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: The base designs for Percy and Lilia are now posted to the Facebook page for my stories, I'll add in the armors the two make as they appear in the story and I unlock them in the game. I made two new playthroughs for the characters to get the images for their armor and weapons on them and thankfully my wife plays too and with us both having Master rank characters she can help me grind through most of the gear easily enough. **

**AN2: In defense of my comment about the Admiral's strength, and why people aren't AS freaked out by Percy's super strength as someone from our world, is that people in that world seem stronger than ours to begin with given the size of the weapons and armor a lot of these people wear. We see the Admiral, a man who was an adult and came to the new world over fifty **_**YEARS**_** ago pick up a friggin boulder to block a lightning laser from a Rajang. It's clear that a lot of people in this world have strength beyond that of a normal human and in varying degrees, like a rare gene. Percy would be seen as someone with the gene showing abnormally strong. **

The Perseid: A love betwixt morons

Chapter 2

-Poseidon-

"Wait, we need to collect Sally and Paul." Poseidon shot up from his throne as he saw the two girls on the screen run over to Percy in concern, "They deserve to know what's going on."

"Fair enough." Moros shrugged, snapping his fingers as the mortal couple appeared with a flash of light, looking about confused before recognizing the demigods.

"Annabeth?" Sally approached their son's friend "Why are we here? And where's Percy?"

"Zeus used a spell to send Percy to another world." Annabeth scowled at Poseidon's still whimpering brother, "Percy called him out on being a fucking dumbass and she he did that!" the daughter of Athena pointed to the screen Moros had provided which showed the two girls carrying the unconscious and injured Percy away from the beach.

"Uncle Poseidon beat Zeus' teeth out and castrated him for it." Nico gave a sadistic grin at that description, "Sacrificing Zeus' teeth, crown, and symbol of power to awaken Moros in the hopes to bring Percy back."

"So why hasn't this Moros person done so?" Sally Jackson turned to him and even Moros felt faintly nervous at her narrowed gaze.

"It has to be done carefully to prevent our world from being invaded by the powerful creatures of the world Percy landed in." Moros explained quickly, "While I work on that I did this so everyone could watch him."

"One last thing then." Sally nodded before walking over to Zeus, flicking her wrist as her bracelet turned into a shotgun that he had given her to keep her family safe. With a cold expression, Sally slammed the butt of the shotgun into Zeus' face before blowing out one of his knees with the celestial bronze bullets. Zeus' screams were renewed as he clutched the mangled leg while Sally loaded a second round in the gun.

"Wait dear." Paul approached his wife and stopped her before she could shoot again, making Zeus sigh in relief, "I should get a turn too." Zeus' relief vanished a moment before his other kneecap did.

"Can someone shut him up, I want to watch the Percy show!" Leo whined, munching on popcorn that the hyperactive demigod had acquired from…somewhere, "They found some tracks and- GIANT LIZARD!" on the screen, Poseidon saw the girl whose hair was in long white braids drop Percy into the shallows of the small second beach they had come across as she raced to save the second girl from a giant yellow iguana that was trying to eat her. On the screen, he could also see Percy's wounds steaming and closing at contact to sea water.

"Shit is getting reaaaaaaaaaal!" Leo cheered as Percy started to rise.

-Lilia-

"Mel!" Lilia shouted as she charged towards her partner, the Great Jagras snapping and snarling at the squirming handler. Her lungs burned as she ran, still tired and hurt from Zorah Magdaros attacking their ship earlier. She had barely made it half-way when the hunter she'd dropped in the shallows shot past her, his wounds steaming and closing. Had he landed on one of those flowers she and Mel had found earlier? Lilia barely had time to register that thought before she saw the hunter grab the Great Jagras and physically throw it off of Mel, leaping after the monster as it slammed into a stone wall before grasping its neck, snarling as he flexed his arms and snapped the creature's neck.

"Holy fuck." Lilia gaped as she helped up Mel before glancing at her friend, "Dibs!" she cried out, her partner's own declaration coming a split second later, making the brunette sulk.

"There you are!" another new voice called out relieved as Lilia's head turned towards a pass between some rocks, seeing a greatsword fighter approaching them with a relieved grin, "The rest of the fifth fleet are waiting back at Astera." After assuring himself that Lilia and Mel weren't too hurt, the greatsword hunter turned to the hunter that had killed the Jagras, "And you, that was impressive!" the newcomer pulled out a harvest knife and started carving up the Jagras as its killer hadn't, their fellow apparently too injured still or dazed as he seemed unsteady on his feet and looked at them with an unclear gaze "I haven't heard of anyone being able to do something like that since the Admiral was in his prime." Once the dead monster was carved for useful materials, they started back down the path that their guide had come down "Name's Gentor, I'm the field team leader here in Astera." The now named Gentor grinned as they walked.

"I'm Lilia and this is Mel." Lilia nodded to Gentor and the still unnamed hunter who had saved Mel's life, the man having not said a word and merely followed in silence. Before she could get his name though, there was a loud boom as the ground near them shook.

"Oh no." Gentor breathed out moments before a massive pink monster that Lilia had never seen before leapt down, roaring out flames, "Run!" Gentor shoved them forward as they bolted for the settlement Lilia could see in the distance, knowing that with three unarmed hunters, even if one was incredibly strong, the fight would likely get at least one of them killed.

"What is that thing?!" Mel shouted as the four of them bolted, trying to get past a gate up ahead even as the giant pink beast roared.

"It's an Anjanath!" Gentor shouted, leaping to the side to avoid getting set on fire.

"Do you have dung pods?!" Lilia shouted, scooping up a rock and throwing it back at the beast as she ran.

"…Damnit I knew I forgot something!" Gentor groaned as Percy helped Mel past the gate, waving for them to hurry up.

"How do you forget dung pods!?" Lilia shouted out as she leapt over the snapping jaws of the Anjanath, her training with the insect glaive coming in very handy there.

"It was an accident!" Gentor snapped back as he crossed the gate, cutting the line as she ran through too, the barricade slamming down as the Anjanath rammed into it, leaving the creature stunned and dazed to allow the rest of them to escape to the settlement safely.

"That…really…sucked." Mel panted out, her training as a Handler not having her conditioned for field work like Ilia was.

"Well everybody, welcome to Astera." Gentor gestured to the natural archway that welcomed them as they entered the settlement, injured people being treated all over after the destruction of the fifth fleet's ship.

"Wow." Mel breathed out as they looked about the settlement built into the shoreside cliffs.

"Amazing ain't it?" Gentor grinned proudly as they looked about the man's home, "Just look at this gate! It's like mother nature meant for us to settle down and build Astera right here."

"I like it." Lilia grinned, sharing an eager grin with Mel as they jogged down the steps with the boys, seeing the rest of the fifth fleet waiting for them including her friends she'd made on the boat, Cheval and Simone who spotted them in turn, eagerly rushing over.

"You're alive!" Simone beamed at them.

"Looks like you guys had it rough huh?" Cheval clapped Lilia on the shoulder, "When we couldn't find you two, we started to sweat bullets!"

"You had us scared." Simone squeezed Mel's shoulder, "When we couldn't find you we had intended to go out and search before Gentor took that on himself with the Commanders approval."

"Speaking of, I should take this lot to gramps, so he knows they're safe." Gentor spoke up, "I'll give em the tour after and you all can catch up when you want." at that, Simone and Cheval nodded and went back to helping the injured as Gentor led them over to a large table where some experienced looking hunters were talking. "Commander, I found them!" As Gentor spoke, the person at the head of the table turned, showing darkly tanned skin and hair as white as Lilia's own although likely from age given his eyes weren't a match as well.

"Ah, good." As the old man spoke he approached them, "I was starting to wonder-" upon getting close enough to see their group, the Commander stopped and frowned, "Who is he Gentor?"

"I found him out during my last sweep, isn't he part of the fifth fleet?" the field team leader asked confused, not sure why the commander was suddenly on edge although to be fair, Lilia and Mel were just as perplexed.

"Gentor, we had everyone apart from the young ladies here accounted for. That man _isn't_ part of the Fifth fleet." The commander spoke before turning towards the man who had saved Mel's life. "So that begs the question, who are you? A stow away?" Lilia was prepared for a lot of things to come out of the man's mouth as he opened it. A guilty confession to stowing away on the fifth fleet's ship, a denial and claim that there must have been a miscalculation, anything really. An unintelligible language Lilia had never heard before, was not something she had considered.

"…Heh?"


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: The bit I put in about the marriage between Poseidon and Amphitrite and how their relationship works is based on the book Riordan published about the Greek gods in Percy Jackson world. In it he said that Amphitrite and Percy actually do get along really well now. The second part that Moros adds is just an amusing head canon that my wife and I like to joke about. **

The Persied: A love betwixt morons

Chapter 3

-Lilia-

"Did anyone understand that?" Lilia asked as she looked about at those around them while the guy who apparently _wasn't_ a hunter from her fleet just stood there, arms crossed as he observed them.

"I know I didn't." Mel frowned, "And back at the academy, I heard every one of the known languages at least once. But that was completely new. Is he a native?"

"We've never met any natives in the entire time the Commission has been here." Gentor shook his head at that, eyeing the new guy confused.

"But we've also barely reached any of the continent." The Commander countered, the man clearly very interested in what was happening, "Apart from the Ancient forest and Wildspire Waste, we haven't had any successful voyages further in so it is quite possible that a native settlement exists somewhere in the new world."

"Well whoever this guy is, he's strong." Mel grinned as she looked at her savior, "He saved my life when he snapped that monster's neck with his bare hands."

"It would help if we knew his name." Lilia frowned before walking over to the guy, "Lilia." She put a hand to her chest, repeating her name once again before placing a hand on Mel's shoulder, "Mel. Gentor." She proceeded to point to the other hunter to identify him in the hopes that the apparent native would get the idea and identify himself.

"Perseus." The now identified ravenette nodded, rolling his shoulders as Lilia took the time to get a good look at his muscles now that they were safely out of danger.

"I'll happily keep an eye on him commander." Lilia grinned as she got by Perseus side, this guy had saved her and Mel, so she was more than willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.

"You mean _we _will." Said partner retorted, taking Perseus' other side.

"Watch it Mel, you know I called Dibs already." She narrowed her eyes at the Handler.

"Did you?" the brunette gave a look of mock confusion, "Cause I don't remember that."

"Sweet Fatalis preserve me from horny rookies." The commander grunted as he waved his hands, "Whatever, Gentor, show them around and make sure they settle in alright."

"Alright you three." The field team leader shook his head, "Let's get going, we should find your Palicos too while we're at it. I'll show you your room afterwards, we've already got a set of weapons there waiting for you." Nodding, Lilia put a hand on Perseus' shoulder to guide him onward as they followed Gentor. "Well this is our trade yard and I guess the name says it all. We have the leader's council down here along with our merchants, researchers, and herbalists." As he spoke, Gentor pointed out each individual area they passed on the way to a set of stairs going ever upward, "Your quarters can be found in that ship there, just enter one of the two doors and find room eight. Your roommates are those friends of yours we ran into earlier."

"Where's Perseus going to stay?" Mel asked as they climbed the stairs, the air growing warmer as they grew closer to a building that was giving off a lot of smoke from its chimneys.

"With you two and your roommates for now I'd guess." Gentor shrugged, "You did tell my Grandfather that you'd both keep an eye on him."

"Cool." Lilia chuckled, looking forward to having some fun with her roommates, glad none of them were assholes…or at least they hadn't been assholes so far. Knocking on the wooden railing as they continued, she looked at the building they were getting close to as the heat continued to grow "I'm guessing that's the smithy?"

"Got it." Gentor nodded with a grin, "One thing you'll need to get used to is that we don't have gunner and sword master armor, it's just one set per monster although they are working on having both alpha and beta variants. Anyway, they combined the skills into singular armor sets for now so be ready for that when you bring them parts." Perseus made a comment when he saw the forge, pointing at the machines and miming hammering something on an anvil before saying a word with a questioning expression.

"Forge." Lilia spoke clearly as she pointed to the location, glad they were at least making some progress in understanding each other no matter how small. Judging by the way his eyes lit up, it was something he was pleased by too as he repeated the word.

"Next up we have the canteen!" Gentor called back as he and Mel continued across the bridge to the smell of food, "We'll hopefully find your Palicos up there."

"It smells amazing!" Mel grinned eagerly as they got up to the canteen where an insanely buff one eyed Palico was overseeing some cooking and Lilia saw her two Palico helpers moving about nervously.

"Guys!" Lilia called out happily as the cats saw her and rushed over, leaping up and cuddling her while purring away, "Oh, I'm so glad you're both alright!" Mel dropped down to pet them as well while Perseus tilted his heads at the two Felynes. The two cats tilted their heads in turn at Perseus and, once released from her hug, bounded over and decided Perseus was a suitable chair to ride on.

"Seems like they like you." Mel giggled at the two cats happily sitting on Perseus' shoulders.

"Why don't we grab a bite at the canteen before I let you three get settled in." Gentor took them over to the counter by the buff chef cat "My treat to welcome you to Astera."

"Free food is the best food!" Mel cheered eagerly as Gentor paid for four meals, the cooking Felynes eagerly preparing them before Lilia, Mel, and Gentor proceeded to dig in with furious gusto. Looking over, she saw Perseus was eating far more sedately but still seemed very happy. The muscular chef cat was beaming at Percy and nodded happily, "This one is my new favorite. He shall get gains!" the chef declared while flexing while the other hunters nearby look quite offended that Perseus was declared a favorite over them. Perseus just seems confused at everyone's expression as he eats his food.

-Moros-

"Good, my son remembered his table manners." Momma Jackson nodded pleased when she saw Percy eat properly rather than stuffing his face like a pig as every other around him was doing.

"…That food is making me hungry." Leo pouted as they saw the delicious looking food Percy was being given by the cat that could give Ares workout tips.

"I can fix that!" Hestia beamed happily as she made a kitchenette appear as she began moving about, cooking all sorts of delicious food for those watching. When Zeus tried to take a plate, she slapped his hand with a spare spoon "None for you." Hestia scolded with a glare, "You don't get any of my cooking ever again after what you did to poor Percy."

"That's not fair!" Zeus protested while cradling his bruised hand.

"I think it's fair." A new voice speaks up as Moros turned to see Amphitrite had joined the viewers, giving Poseidon, Sally, and Paul a hug of greeting, "You did send sweet little Percy to another world to get eaten. If it wasn't for the fact that you're already so badly injured I'd happily add on to it."

"Am I the only one who finds it weird that Amphitrite actually _likes_ Poseidon's kid?" Apollo asks, hand raised perplexed.

"I don't control her, she doesn't control me." Poseidon shrugs, "We don't protest the other having demigods."

"And Amph, it does mean you can plan how best to hurt him once he recovers." Sally smirked dangerously to the ocean goddess who returned the grin while Zeus whimpered at the thought of yet more punishment.

"Wait…just _how_ well do you all get along?" Annabeth raised a confused eyebrow.

"Poseidon and Amphitrite are two of the biggest swingers I've ever met." Moros snorts bemused, "But it works for them so if they're happy, whatever." At that statement Paul coughed in surprise, apparently having been let in on that tidbit.

"Oh, and Sally, feel free to bring yourself and Paul over for dinner and some fun anytime." Amphitrite smiled to the mortal couple while Paul just started coughing louder.

"LA LA LA LA LA LA!" Annabeth and the other demigods proceeded to cover their ears, "I don't need to hear this!"

"Oh, do you need the talk?" Amphitrite's innocent expression fooled nobody, "You see when a mommy goddess, and a daddy god, and a mommy mortal, and a daddy mortal get very, very, horny-"

"LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!"


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: Hey everyone. I know it's been awhile since I updated but I was on vacation for a bit and then tragedy struck my family. My cousin, someone I saw as a beloved little sister, has sadly passed away. She'd had issues with being bullied and other problems at school and started getting into the wrong groups. I want to take a moment to tell those who are in a bad place, it gets better. As someone who grew up bullied in school, and who even had suicidal thoughts when I was younger, that's never the way to go, things get better, and to never give up. I want everyone to think about their friends, their family. To go find your best friend and make them laugh, to give your siblings a hug, tell your parents you love them. Never take the people in your life for granted and know that there is always someone out there to support you and help pull you up on your feet. **

The Persied: A love betwixt morons

Chapter 4

-Moros-

Reclining back in his La-Z-god chair, Moros popped open a can of beer, eager for the next installment of the Percy Jackson show. Hephaestus was even kind enough to stream it to the camps so they could watch as well. "You gonna share any of that?" Dionysus called over, staring at the can in Moros' hand.

"Dionysus, you are forbidden from drinking, remember?" Zeus tried looking imposing but given his 'teeth' were hot pink dentures covered with glitter sparkles it didn't work too well.

"Sure," Moros grinned, loving how everyone was ignoring Zeus "I got beer, I got vodka, I got whiskey, I got that old School Greek wine that _hasn't _gone through the whole hundred parts water for every one part wine thing to water it down."

"THAT!" Dionysus was near frantic as he took the bottle and started chugging, pausing only to hiss like an angry cat at Zeus when the neutered horn dog tried taking the bottle away.

"Anywho boys and girls, it's time for episode four of our favorite show!" Moros clapped eagerly.

"What would this thing be called anyway?" Leo asked, "The Persied maybe?"

"Ah yes, The Persied: A love Betwixt Morons." Nico nodded sagely, "The most impressive and epic of tales."

"Roll credits." Moros smiled, making a small ding sound appear before ignoring everyone's confusion and turning up the volume as Percy, Lilia, Mel, and Gentor entered a clearing occupied by a bunch of barrels and a tree.

"Welcome to the testing grounds!" Gentor called out proudly as their group entered the large clearing for Hunters and Huntresses to test their weapons in, "We've got a full set of basic iron weapons for Perseus there to test out, let's see what he can do, shall we girls?"

"This is gonna be good." Lilia smirked, twirling about her new insect glaive while her new kinisect got to know the Palicos.

"So, I'm guessing start basic first?" Mel was sitting on a ledge and kicking her legs back and forth as she got ready to watch the fighters do what they do, "Sword and Shield?" the screen turned into a black title card with 'First trial: Sword and Shield' for a moment before going back to showing Percy testing the weight and trying it out, a slight frown on his face as he approached some targets.

"A sword and shield?" Annabeth grinned as the demigods all sat together, glad their friend was doing alright, "Sounds perfect for him." Percy lashed out at the targets, swinging his blade about again and again but after well over a dozen swings, he'd failed to hit anything. "Or…not…what the shit?"

"Language!" Athena scolded her daughter.

"English!" the demigod teenager, likely still jaded about the whole 'mark of Athena' quest thing putting up with zero shit. Percy meanwhile was still swinging the sword again and again as deliberately as he could and then as fast as he could, but he failed to hit the targets.

"That's a no." Lilia took the weapon away from Percy, "We can try Longsword next."

-First trial: Sword and shield= FAIL-

"Is that a nodachi?" Annabeth asked as Percy got out what the albino huntress had called a 'longsword'.

"Well little lady, if you were paying attention, you'd know it's actually a longsword." Moros said bemused as the girl flipped him off, not a drop of fear of his power or station within her. On the screen everyone could see Percy working with the sword as he gave a few test swings, ones that were notably slower than was viable even if he was able to actually hit the targets this time.

"At least that's progress." Hazel offered weakly, "Maybe going through that portal messed with his muscle control?" slow test done, Percy yelled and swung the sword at full speed at a target…which was unmarked…and Percy's hands were now empty as the son of Poseidon blinked confused.

"How in the…" Lilia looked confused as the hunters looked at the sword flying through the air like a buzz saw of doom and was it? Yep, it was boomeranging back, "Hit the deck!" the three hunters threw themselves to the ground, Percy having thankfully spotted the sword since he still didn't understand what these people were saying, while the longsword imbedded in a tree behind them.

"…How about something that won't go flying out of his hands next?" Gentor grunted, staring wide eyed at the weapon that almost gave him a Viking crew cut "Greatsword perhaps?"

-Second Trial: Longsword= FAIL!-

In his hands, Percy had a greatsword, swinging it about with a grin as it didn't move away from where he wanted it like the sword and shield nor did it fly out of his hands like the longsword. In fact, it looked damn near perfect as Percy swung it about, moving through stances fluidly, not at all hindered by the massive size of the weapon. The demigods and the hunters were all cheering at what looked like a sure winner.

"Alright Perseus, now strike a target." Gentor slapped the demigod on the back and pointed at the barrels, miming the action of using the blade. Percy, after giving an eager nod, charged the barrels and swung…the iron blade bouncing off the wooden target without damaging it.

"HOW?!" Lilia snapped on screen, the demigods on the couches not far behind.

"Did Zeus' spell add some sort of curse?" Sally demanded, loading her shotgun with malicious intent as she glared at the thunder god now hiding behind his throne.

"Ah fuck, I forgot about that." The voice speaking was Ares as everyone turned towards him, "It was back during that whole lightning thief fuck show. I cursed the kid to not be able to use any swords but then he got that Riptide sword which, since it's made of sea energy, counteracted the curse. I owed the kid for speaking up for me not being the one who came up with the idea for starting the war so once I calmed down I left the curse on to prevent a situation of too many blessings and no drawbacks like Zhang had." Nobody in the throne room was sure hot to respond that while on the screen, Percy was getting annoyed at no swords working.

-Third trial: Greatsword= FAIL!-

"Alright, let's try using that strength of his for something simple and direct." Gentor spoke as the swords were all removed, "A hammer." The massive bludgeon of destruction was handed to Percy who was able to swing it about easily. A quick test hit showed that it wasn't bouncing off like the greatsword was.

"Yes!" Lilia cheered while Mel and the Palicos clapped. Percy just started laughing like the eager Gryffindor he was and started smashing more targets…and boulders…and making craters in the ground. "No!" Lilia came over and took the hammer away, shaking her finger at Percy as he tried to get the weapon back, "You clearly can't behave with this so I say no." Percy attempted to use the puppy eyes maneuver to no effect.

"You guys are mean." Percy sulked as the hammers were all locked away.

"She can resist puppy eyes Percy." Annabeth whispered in awe as the demigods watched, "Nobody with a heart has been able to resist before."

"She is the chosen one." Grover added while Percy's parents and stepparents all nodded in approval.

-Fourth trial: Hammer= FAIL…pending good behavior!-

"Okay, maybe some range would work." Gentor suggested, the man rummaging through the trunk of weapons while Percy is sulking even as Lilia pokes his cheeks and tries to make him crack, "So Perseus, I want you to try this bow."

"NO!" the demigods all panic horrified. A sentiment Percy clearly agreed with given his frantic head shaking and hand waving, complete with wide eyed terror.

"Oh, come on Percy," Lilia smiled "how bad could it be. For me, please?" even though he didn't understand her words the intent was clear and like many guys when a pretty girl asks him something, he folds. Taking the bow, Percy drew the arrow back before letting it fire. The arrow missed the target, going far to the right instead of straight where it bounced off a rock, then a tree, then a wing drake which squawked and fell from the sky, shooting towards the hunters who all threw themselves to the ground to dodge the projectile which then flew over their horizon and then out of the screen they all watched through, straight into the throne room of Olympus where it began bouncing around till Moros reached out to catch it.

"…How in the seven levels of fuck?" the god of Doom gaped at the arrow, Percy's aim having somehow been so bad he shot between dimensions.

"We don't let Percy shoot for a reason." The demigods inform him seriously, "The only time he ever hit his target was when Hera was literally controlling the arrow for him.

-Fifth trial: Bow= FAIL! SWEET MERCY DON'T LET HIM NEAR A BOW AGAIN! AAAAARGH!-

"Okay, well he did try to warn us." A still shaken Lilia gulps as the Palicos are hiding behind Mel who's hiding behind Gentor, "Maybe something…safer? Hunting horn!" she handed the weaponized instrument to Percy who picked it up and tested it for a moment. Then he began to play, beautiful music pouring forth. Even just by watching through dimensions, Moros felt centuries of stress lift as he got lost in the enchanting melody. Many demigods had a talent for at least some of the arts and it looked like aqua lad was no exception. Eventually, Percy's song ended as everyone came down from the blissful euphoria they were in, the hunters realizing that he wasa little_ too _good, especially as they were too distracted to even receive buffs from the song.

"Another no." Gentor sighed, "At least for hunts."

"Noooooo!" Apollo whined, falling to his knees by the screen, "Music Percy! I demand music Percy! This show is bullshit! OW!" the man's bitching cut off by a thrown tankard, Momma Jackson suspiciously missing one now as she whistled innocently.

-Sixth trial: Hunting horn= FAIL…for actual hunts!-

"Maybe he can use an insect glaive like me." Lilia smiled eagerly at the thought as she brought out the weapon for Percy, even demonstrating how it was used so he knew it was more than just a spear.

"Boing?" Percy tilted his head as he tested the weapon, swinging it easily as an excited smile appeared on his face, "Boing!" running, Percy used the weapon to spring into the sky…way into the sky, "Too much boing!" Percy panicked as he tried to control his flight, the glaive pinballing him around the air, occasionally launching him back up when he got too close to the ground like a pogo stick from hell. "Too much boing! Help!" even if the hunters couldn't understand him his panic was rather obvious.

"I'm coming Perseus!" Lilia freaked out, using her own glaive to shoot up and try and get him while her bug was laughing its thorax off. It took several tries before she was able to tackle Percy around the waist as they fell to the ground, their glaives clattering to the ground. "Hey." Lilia chuckled, blowing some hair out of her face as Percy lay atop her, "Come here often?" he scrambled off, face glowing cherry red and stammering apologies.

-Seventh trial: Insect glaive= TOO MUCH BOING!-

Thud "Ow." Thud "Ow." Thud "Ow." Gentor punctuated each impact of his head against a log with a dry annoyed description of how he feels, the hunters growing frustrated at each failure after failure on finding a weapon for Percy.

"He can't just go without a weapon…can he?" Lilia frowned, "We've seen how strong he is, the guy's a fighter through and through."

"Well he could always do what the admiral does and rip out the nearest tree or boulder to just beat the monster with it." Gentor grumbled, "Then again gramps would get pissed at all the environmental damage for that idea."

"Well he did do good with hammers?" Lilia winces weakly.

"That'll cause even _more _collateral damage." Gentor deadpans at the albino declarer of dibs.

"Um…guys." Mel spoke up awkwardly, "Perseus rummaged through the chest and is about to try a gun lance."

"WHAT?!" the two actual hunters and saw Percy giving test thrusts, testing the weight and grinning as it felt balanced for him. Then he fired the gun potion and wasn't blown back like every other hunter who used the weapon would have been.

"…Seriously?" Gentor growled out, eye twitching "We just had to let _him_ pick?!"

"…At least we found one he can use?" Lilia offered weakly.

"Fine!" Gentor threw his hands up, "If he causes any collateral with that thing, I'm blaming you, if anyone needs me, I'm going to the canteen!"

"Be sure to let chef kitty know what weapon Percy chose." Mel piped in, "He wanted to know since Percy is his favorite." Behind her, Percy was using the Wyvern's fire without moving back and clearly loving it.

"I don't get paid enough for this shit."

**AN: I was initially going to give Percy a great sword but then I started playing gun lance and decided to do something new.**


End file.
